5 Key Insights for Understanding Couples Counseling

You might be considering couples counseling, but something is holding you back from scheduling your first session. There are many reasons why couples tend to wait before they take the plunge. Many people need clarification about what couples counseling is. They are still determining if it works. These are the most common barriers to starting the process. This post will dive into the critical insights about couples counseling. Understanding the basics will give you confidence in your decision to seek help.

#1: Couples Counseling Is a Treatment

First, let’s be clear about the language. The following terms refer to the same process: couples counseling, marriage counseling, marriage therapy, relationship counseling, and relationship therapy. Years ago, counseling and therapy were distinct. But now, this difference does not mean much. I will use these terms interchangeably in this post and throughout my blog.

So, what is couples counseling?

• Couples counseling is a type of treatment.

• The focus of the treatment is your relationship.

• The state of your relationship causes you distress and affects your functioning.

• The treatment aims to reduce your and your partner’s pain. It also aims to improve your functioning.

• Couples counseling is based on theories. Theories explain what causes relationship distress and strategies to ease it (method).

• The couples counselor has received education in a specific theory and training in a particular method. They have the knowledge and skills to guide treatment. They will help you make the needed changes to reduce pain and improve your functioning.

• Couples counseling relies on assessment, diagnosis, and interventions to reach its goals.

#2: Couples Counseling Is Based On Research And Theory

Couples counseling is a treatment based on theories, which we call frameworks. Frameworks define the problem and identify what causes it. Methods outline strategies or interventions. They aim to affect the situation and lessen its effect on people.

Long ago, couples counseling was based on individual theories, assumptions, and preconceptions. Couples therapists had no training. They followed untested ideas. We can imagine the damage and bad advice given to couples then.

There are a few tested methods that have been proven to improve relationships. I will mention Susan Johnson and John Gottman. They are dominant contributors to couples counseling. Thanks to their extensive research and methodology, we can discuss relationships with clarity and understanding. We now also know how to guide couples to build more fulfilling and healthy relationships.

Susan Johnson, PhD, founded EFT, or Emotionally Focused Therapy. She defined healthy relationships as secure attachments. EFT says the cause of distress in relationships is the lack of emotional safety and vulnerability. In distressed relationships, partners act anxiously or avoidantly. These behaviors stop them from making stable, secure connections with their partner. Susan Johnson also created a method to help couples. It ends the cycle of disconnection and boosts intimacy. She tested her method (set of interventions), which proved to be highly effective in improving relationship satisfaction.

John Gottman, PhD, founded the Gottman Couples Counseling Method. He defined healthy relationships according to seven principles and found what differentiates happy relationships from distressed ones. With his wife, Julie Gottman, PhD, he researched, created, and tested ways to help couples improve their relationships. The Gottman Institute still watches, tests, and updates its theory and methods.

Therapists use other approaches in addition to EFT and the Gottman Method. These include Cognitive-Behavior Couples Counseling, Narrative Couples Counseling, Developmental Couples Counseling, and Imago Couples Counseling. I will cover these in my later posts. No one framework covers all parts of a relationship, but all have theory and some effect.

As a Certified Gottman Therapist, I am biased towards the Gottman Method. The Gottman Method of couples counseling targets most parts of a relationship and uses strategies to guide couples to change and satisfaction.

Why is it important to know about the foundations or frameworks? A framework provides therapists with a roadmap to do an effective job. A trained counselor has the skills to navigate the complexities of couples counseling and partners’ internal worlds. When you meet your couples counselor on the phone, inquiring about their training will help you make an informed decision about your counselor's choice.

#3: Couples Counseling Focuses On Your Relationship

Focus means the target of the treatment. In couples counseling, the focus is your relationship. Your counselor will use interventions/strategies that will affect the functioning of your relationship.

A relationship has a pattern, a dynamic, and a set of influences. You and your partner bring individual differences to your relationship. The interaction of those differences creates a pattern and a dynamic. Some of those interactions create unhelpful patterns. They become sources of stress and dissatisfaction.

Your couples counselor will watch and identify the unhelpful pattern. Then, they will intervene in it. They will guide you in exploring your and your partner’s differences. They will help you gain insight into the effects of the differences on your relationship. They will model the changes. They will also help make the changes. The changes will reduce the impact of the differences on your relationship.

Why is it important to know what the focus is? Understanding the focus of couples counseling is crucial to setting realistic expectations. Very often, at least one partner feels justified in their ways of being and gets stuck in a blaming state. In couples counseling, both partners need to accept responsibility for their relationship's state. Both partners will need to make changes to see progress towards their goals.

#4: Couples Counseling Aims to Reduce Your Pain And Improve Your Functioning

Couples counseling focuses on your relationship, which is a source of stress and dissatisfaction. Your relationship is a source of stress because it has challenges. Something is off, not working well, or too hard.

Your pain affects your functioning. As a result of the pain, you might feel isolated. You might also feel anxious and depressed. Low self-esteem and loneliness are common in distressed relationships. You might become more irritable with your loved ones or less focused at work. You might also stop taking care of yourself or engage in unhealthy coping. The list can go on and on.

Your couples counselor will identify the causes of relationship distress. These could include communication, attachment, betrayals, mental health, triggers, and personality differences. You will see your role in the problems and feel more in control of the relationship.

Your counselor will then guide you to take an active role. You will change things that contribute to problems. Knowing what to do and how to change will give you hope. It will also make you feel more confident in the future of your relationship. Couples counseling will reduce your stress. You will feel more competent as a partner. And, you will function better overall.

#5: Couples Counseling Has Three Main Phases

There are three main phases in couples counseling.

• Assessment: Couples Counseling starts with a thorough evaluation. During the assessment, your couples counselor will discuss the sources of stress in the relationship. They will ask about the history of your relationship and your individual stories. Then, they will give you some feedback. You will set immediate goals and long-term goals for treatment.
  Assessment takes a few sessions (3-5). During this time, you will be building a relationship with your therapist. Your counselor will map your relationship and your background. This info will help the counselor predict the challenges you might face in therapy. It will unlock barriers to change and keep therapy from getting stuck.

• Active Therapy: Your counselor's approach will shape the structure and process of therapy sessions. Your couples counselor will be active. They will direct, guide, and talk with you and your partner. There should be some continuity between sessions and a clear direction towards your goals.
  The sessions last 3 to 12 months. The length depends on how chronic the relationship issues are and the presence of other factors. These factors include mental health, affairs, substance abuse, trauma, and significant life changes.

• Termination and Maintenance: In my experience, couples usually start feeling more in control and less distressed after 3 to 6 months of couples counseling. This is approximately when they transition to a bi-weekly or monthly schedule. Some prefer to stay in touch for maintenance and continue meeting every 3 to 6 months.
  It is not uncommon for couples to return to a more frequent schedule in times of stress or significant changes.

Conclusion

As you can see, couples counseling or couples therapy is rooted in theory and has a methodology. This therapy aims to find the causes of your relationship's problems. It will help you make changes to ease your distress and improve your relationship's health. Couples counseling is most effective when counselors are educated and trained in a couples counseling framework. Trained couples counselors lead and actively guide partners during therapy.

Now that you know more about couples counseling, your next concern might be finding the right couples counselor for you and your partner. “5 Essential Questions to Ask a Couples Therapist During an Initial Phone Call.”

Do you have any questions about couples counseling? Please email me at tmatyukhin@tmatmcs.com.