5 Essential Questions to Ask a Couples Therapist in an Initial Phone Call
You finally found a few couples counselors and scheduled an initial phone call. But now, you might wonder what questions to ask and how to choose between different counselors. This post will highlight five essential questions for a couples counselor in an initial phone call. You need to know what questions to ask, and it is crucial to understand what their answers mean.
Prep Work Before the Phone Call
Asking the right questions helps select a couples counselor. At the same time, I’d like you to listen to your gut feeling during the process. Your gut feeling will inform you if you can trust your couples counselor, feel safe disclosing your personal information, and feel hopeful about improving your relationship in therapy.
You and your partner certainly have specific expectations of therapy, an idea of your needs, and a preference for a particular communication style. Remember, couples counseling happens in the context of a relationship. Your couples counselor is a person with a personality and a communication style. Your phone conversation is a first introduction to who your counselor is and their expertise. Pay attention to how you feel during your consultation.
Now, could you take a few minutes to consider your personal needs and vision of a good couples counselor?
What are your expectations of couples counseling? When you envision yourself sitting with your partner in session, talking about your challenges and pain, what feedback would you like to get from your counselor? Are you seeking direction, guidance, compassion, or space to talk and reflect? Good couples counseling includes all of these aspects. When you speak with your therapist on the phone, they should be able to demonstrate most of these elements of counseling.
What are your goals for couples counseling? Think about what your relationship will look like when treatment ends. What will be different about how you feel and think about your relationship? What will you be doing differently in the relationship? Examples might include feeling safe sharing worries, spending more time together, feeling more connected and enjoying being with each other, fighting better and respectfully, etc… Your couples counselor will ask you these questions to set tentative goals for counseling and make a decision about whether they can help you or not.
What defines a good couples counselor in your mind? You will get glimpses of your counselor’s style during your phone call. Not only should they be able to describe their style, but they should also be engaging in that style during the phone call. Consistency between their words and actions will make you feel safe. Your gut feeling will tell you when words don’t match the counselor's style on the phone. If you want someone who takes charge and guides you through the process but on the phone you meet someone who is laidback and lets you talk without any guidance, take note of that. If you would like a couples counselor who hears you out but you don’t get a chance to talk on the phone, take note of it. Ultimately, a good couples counselor does both: listening and guiding.
At the end of the phone call, could you reflect on your feelings about the counselor? Did you get clear answers to your questions? Did you feel heard and guided during the phone call? Did you hear your counselor’s expertise regarding your problem and goals? Do you feel hopeful after the consultation?
5 Questions to Ask
#1: What Methodology Do You Use in Couples Counseling? Can You Tell Us a Little Bit About It?
You could say methodology, approach, or framework. Some of my clients called it philosophy. Here are examples of the main approaches to couples counseling:
The Gottman Method
Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy
Developmental Couples Counseling
Imago Couples Counseling
Cognitive Behavioral Couples Therapy
Of course, there are some other approaches, but they might not have a tested and structured methodology.
These names might only mean a little to you if you have read books about these approaches. You might also not know what they mean regarding couples counseling and how it can help your problems.
This is why you should ask your counselor to explain their framework a bit. Their answers should be concise and clear, helping you understand how your counselor will guide you through your journey.
CAUTION: Some counselors might say: “I use different approaches, or I am an eclectic couples counselor.” They might also tell you about the complexity of relationships and people’s problems, justifying their holistic approach to couples’ issues. It is true that after many years of practicing, most counselors rely on diverse approaches. However, trained couples counselors do that with a roadmap in mind. A roadmap that tells them what to look for, how to foster change in relationships, unlock barriers, and move the process towards couples’ goals. Using different approaches without methodology is similar to patching things up as they come. This is a recipe for a lack of continuity, confusion, and disengagement in couples counseling.
#2: What Happens During a Session?
Couples counselors who are trained understand the power of structure in couples counseling. Couples counseling is different from individual counseling because the focus is on the relationship between two people with different perspectives. Most trained couples counselors rely on a methodology and structure to navigate the complexities of this format. They have strategies to keep the process in control to allow a fair and productive conversation.
A trained couples counselor will be able to answer this question. They will highlight their role and the ways they lead sessions. They can describe how sessions start, unfold, and end. Take note of the counselor’s vagueness or defensiveness when you ask this question.
CAUTION: Some counselors “Well, it depends. I can’t predict what is going to happen. All sessions are different based on what problems you will be bringing up.” In couples counseling, if there is no structure, sessions are chaotic and go nowhere. At the beginning of my career and before my training, I remember how quickly things would get heated and out of control. In couples counseling, sessions are predictable and follow a specific pattern. This consistency allows couples to internalize the structure and engage in similar conversations between sessions. There is, of course, some flexibility and diversity. However, the backbone is more or less the same.
#3: What Does Progress Look Like for Couples?
Couples counselors see a pattern in how couples move from distress to contentment and termination. They can describe couples’ experiences of engaging in couples counseling and discuss the effects of couples’ new insight on empathy, understanding, and responsibility in marital problems.
Change happens in phases. Different methodologies might describe them slightly differently. But in a nutshell, we all see progress and know how it happens. Asking a prospective counselor about progress is a fair question.
Now, not all couples benefit from couples counseling. Progress might be stalled for different reasons. Couples counseling might not be recommended in certain situations. You can ask your couples counselor what prevents couples from getting better and how the counselor handles situations when they get stuck.
CAUTION: Some counselors might say, “It depends on couples and their problems. But mostly, you will get better at communicating and feel happier in your relationship.” Progress is observable and apparent. Usually, couples go through the same stages throughout counseling (the timeframe might vary). There is a clear path to change. An experienced couples counselor can describe that path from both perspectives (from their perspective as a counselor and the couples’ perspective as well).
#4: Do You Have Experience Working With Our Problem? How Do You Work With This Problem?
This is probably the second top question to ask. Especially if you have a unique problem: sexual dysfunction, a partner on the spectrum, a partner with a substance abuse problem, acute trauma symptoms, etc…Some problems require additional training, certification, or education because of the complexity of the condition.
Ask what training or certifications counselors have in this specific problem. How much experience do they have working with couples with a similar issue? A Couples counselor knows their limitations and the scope of their expertise. Full transparency should be about their knowledge and experience in treating your relationship problems.
CAUTION: Some counselors “Yes, I do.” If this answer is not followed through with some context and a little description, take note of it. For couples counselors who have experience working with a specific issue, this question triggers them to dive right into some explanation or information about this particular issue. This is why asking how the counselor works with this problem is crucial. It will give you an idea of their actual knowledge and experience.
#5: How Long Does Couples Counseling Take?
Couples counseling is not a never-ending process. It has a beginning, a middle, and an end. On rare occasions, when there are chronic mental health issues such as trauma, multiple diagnoses, and substance abuse with frequent relapses, couples counseling might take longer. Otherwise, you should be able to see benefits, gain awareness, and start making changes within the first few sessions.
Indeed, your couples counselor might need help to answer how long it would take YOU specifically to wrap up counseling. They do not know your situation or you as people yet. However, they should be able to describe what happens in general. There is a general timeframe for how people progress, get better, and terminate counseling.
CAUTION: Some counselors say, “It depends on your issues and how engaged you are in therapy.” This is all true. However, remember there are patterns. Your counselor should be able to tell you what they observe in their practice.
Debrief After the Phone Call
Once you are done with your phone call, reflect on the following questions:
Do you know what to anticipate from couples counseling?
Did you get helpful answers to your questions?
Do you feel hopeful?
Did you feel understood?
Can you trust the therapist?
Did you feel respected and listened to?
Did you notice any defensiveness, wishy-washy or vague answers, lack of transparency, or lack of engagement?
Did you get a chance to talk, or was your counselor monopolizing the conversation?
A good couples counselor answers questions with transparency, expertise, and clarity. Their attitude is positive, hopeful, encouraging, and empathetic. A good couples counselor listens and guides partners through the conversation. Couples counselors are also passionate about couples counseling, relationships, and their framework. They love discussing how they work, what they observe, and how they help.
Please ask your prospective counselors these five essential questions in the first phone call, listen to their answers, and use your gut feeling to choose the right couples counselor for you and your partner.
For more information about what questions to ask, check out my list of 20 questions I was asked in the initial phone call, “20 Questions for a Couples Therapist.”
Questions about couples counseling, email me at tmatyukhin@tmatmcs.com
