What to Expect During the Assessment in Gottman Couples Therapy
In this article, I will explain what you can expect in the initial phase of Gottman Couples Therapy: The Assessment. Gottman Couples Therapy has a unique process and structure. Although individual Gottman couples counselors might have their own style in how they use the methodology, they all rely on the same roadmap to guide couples toward better relationships. For more information about the Gottman Methos, read “What to Expect in Gottman Couples Therapy.”
Here, I will discuss the goals of the assessment and what you can expect during it in Gottman Couples Therapy. I will also discuss each assessment session in detail and describe my personal style and ways of leading this initial phase of couples counseling.
What to Expect During the Assessment in Gottman Couples Therapy
All Gottman Couples Therapists start counseling with a thorough assessment. Assessment happens in the first 4-5 sessions. You might also be asked to complete an online assessment through the Gottman Institute.
The goal of the assessment is to gather as much information as possible about your relationship, your individual backgrounds and existing challenges in the relationship. The more information your counselor has about you and your partner from the beginning, the faster you can start working on making shifts and improve your relationship.
You and your partner bring your individual personalities and stories into your relationship. These differences create a certain pattern. The pattern becomes a source of stress because of the ways you might be navigating those differences. You might feel stuck in the same cycle of conflict, disengagement and loneliness. Based on the assessment, a Gottman Couples Therapist will plan treatment and use specific strategies to unlock barriers to an open communication, empathy and understanding.
First Assessment Session:
In Gottman Couples Therapy, the first session focuses on the following aspects of your relationship:
Discussing specific issues in the relationship. Your Gottman Couples Therapist will help you share your perspectives and complaints about the relationship.
I guide partners to express their feelings about the state of the relationship and their main complaints. Couples usually have a theory about why things have gotten to this point. Sometimes their stories are aligned and sometimes they are not. I listen to how they make sense of their problems and how much empathy and understanding exist in their relationship.
Setting tentative individual goals. Your Gottman Couples Therapist might help you set individual goals for therapy.
While discussing complaints, I explore partners’ ability to see themselves as contributing actors to relationship problems. Keep in mind that couples counseling focuses on the relationship. The relationship is built by two individuals. Both partners affect the development of the relationship and contribute to its challenges. By verbalizing their responsibility in some of the issues, partners can set individual goals for couples counseling and feel more in control of the progress.
Discussing the history of the relationship. Your Gottman Couples Therapist will explore different phases of your relationship and how you coped with transitions.
The history of the relationship usually unveils couples’ strengths and challenges. It outlines the ups and downs, and ways couples coped with adversity, changes and life transitions. It is very often an opportunity to start building awareness about certain patterns and what impacted the course of the relationship the most. Partners often verbalize some new insight about their resilience and also opportunities for change and improvement.
Observing a conflict conversation. Your Gottman Couples Therapist will ask you to discuss a topic of disagreement.
Most couples spontaneously engage in conflict conversations during the first session. When they don’t, I instruct them to choose a topic of disagreement and listen to their conversation for a few minutes. I observe the way they interact and track their dynamic in communication. This gives me an idea of what shifts need to happen to prevent conflict, deescalate strong emotions and increase understanding and compromise.
Completing an online assessment through the Gottman Institute. Your Gottman Couples Therapist might ask you to complete an online assessment or sign up for the Relationship Builder on the Gottman Institute website.
At the end of the first session, I ask partners to complete an online assessment call “The Relationship Checkup.” The assessment is a little bit like an Xray of your relationship. It is an in depth look at the health of your relationship. I will get a detailed scoring and insight about your answers. During our feedback session, your individual answers will not be disclosed. Feedback provided will focus on specific aspects of your relationship.
Two Individual Sessions
In your individual sessions, a Gottman Couples Therapist will discuss several aspects of your life:
Your family of origin. Your Gottman Couples Therapist will discuss some of your family background.
I would ask you to tell me about your parents, parents’ personalities, parents’ marriage and your perspective on their marriage. Your experience of growing up in your family; how problems and disagreements were handled; what was the discipline like; and how affection was expressed. I would inquire about mental health and substance use history in the family. Major events that affected your family and you, how you coped with adversity and changes wouldl also be part of the conversation.
The history of your relationships. Your Gottman Couples Therapist will discuss the history of your relationships prior to your current partner.
I would explore your experience of intimacy, breakups and ways you handled conflict and closeness with previous partners. Reflecting on past relationships will help you see patterns and recurring challenges with intimacy, conflict and emotional closeness.
Your experience in individual counseling and previous couples counseling. Your Gottman Couples Therapist will ask you questions about your experience of therapy.
I would ask you questions about when and for how long you went to individual or couples counseling. What were the reasons for seeking counseling at that time and whether it was helpful. I would inquire about what was helpful and what was not helpful. It would give me an idea of how to connect with you and support you in therapy.
The History of your mental health. Your Gottman Couples Therapist will ask you questions about current and past mental health diagnoses.
I would inquire what past and current mental health difficulties you might have. I would ask you how you manage your mental health and whether you need a referral for individual counseling. I might also ask about hospitalizations and mental health programs you might have attended.
Screening questions. Your Gottman Couples Therapist will ask you screening questions.
Screening questions might also be part of your initial phone call. I do it twice: during the phone call and in individual sessions. The goal of the screening questions is to make sure that couples counseling is appropriate for your relationship.
I discuss physical safety, inquire about secret affairs, unmanaged substance abuse, and ambivalence about the marriage. In cases where safety is an issue or secret behaviors are going on, couples counseling is very often discouraged. When partners have different agendas about their relationship, it is often counterproductive to start couples counseling. Recommendations will be made if this is the case.
Feedback Session
Your Gottman Couples Therapist will provide you with some feedback based on their observations in sessions and the results of the online assessment.
Sound Relationship House. Your Gottman Couples Therapist will tell you about the Sound Relationship House and provide you with some feedback through the lens of the house.
Very often, partners also have some feedback about the online assessment and wish to tell me about the nuances of their relationship. As I explain the Sound Relationship House and share feedback from the assessment, I ask partners to describe some scenarios where a specific aspect of their relationship plays out. It helps them to visualize one of the areas of the Sound Relationship House in their everyday life and build awareness about opportunities for change.
Strengths and Challenges. Your Gottman Couples Therapist will highlight the strengths and challenges in your relationship.
Distressed couples have a tendency to only see what is not going well and focus on the negative. I would share some of my observations about what transpired in our first sessions and tell you what areas of strengths the online assessment picked up on. All couples have areas of competence. Those areas will help you to work on the relationship and make it stronger.
Set goals for the relationship. Based on the assessment, their observations, and your goals, your Gottman Couples Therapist will discuss short-term and long-term goals for counseling.
In my experience, partners often describe their problems as “issues with communication, loneliness, increased conflict and inability to get on the same page.” These are real experiences. However, partners don’t always know what is it that makes these experiences challenging. During the feedback session, I provide an explanation of partners’ contributions to relationship distress and concrete ways we will be working together on communication, closeness and conflict management.
Plan for treatment. While sharing their feedback, your Gottman Couples Therapist will tell you how they will be helping your relationship to be more satisfying.
During the feedback, I discuss goals and the plan as we are discussing specific aspects of your relationship.
By the end of the assessment, couples usually feel hopeful and ready to work on their relationship. The assessment phase opens the door to self-reflection, insight and a better understanding of existing problems. This phase is fundamental to build momentum, motivation and hope for couples. It is also an effective way to build a strong relationship with your Gottman Couples Therapist. As you are sharing your experiences, your therapist builds a map of who you are, what affects you, your strengths and areas of challenge. On your end, you learn to trust the process and rely on their expertise.
Now that you know about the assessment phase, you might want to know what happens after the assessment and how couples change in Gottman Couples Therapy. Stay tuned for more articles about couples counseling and specifically about the Gottman Method.
Questions about the Gottman Method or couples counseling in general? Email me at tmatyukhin@tmatmcs.com
