What to Expect in Gottman Couples Therapy
In this article, I will describe what happens in Gottman Couples Therapy. Different counselors might have their own style in the way they lead their sessions but all follow a certain roadmap over time. It allows counselors to stay on track with partners’ goals, assess changes, and adjust treatment as they guide couples towards better relationships. In Gottman Method therapy, couples receive care based on a comprehensive framework that focuses on fostering positive interactions, managing conflict effectively, and understanding the dynamics of their relationship.
Knowing what to expect in Gottman Couples Therapy is important for several reasons. It will help you to:
Prepare yourself mentally and emotionally. Uncertainty about what is going to happen makes most people anxious. Because of the uncertainty, they delay getting help. Most couples decide to start couples counseling in highly distressed situations such as when the relationship is about to end or is falling apart, they feel like strangers and loneliness has set in, there is an affair or even multiple betrayals. Starting couples counseling before things become chronic can save relationships from demise. Knowing what to expect might make you more confident in trusting the benefits of couples counseling and seeking help sooner.
Set realistic expectations. Before you start Gottman Therapy, you might have an idea of how long it might take your relationship to get to a better place. You might also have a vision of what happens in couples counseling and how couples counseling helps. Knowing what to expect will provide you with a realistic timeframe and the type of changes you can expect from couples counseling.
Make an informed decision. Knowing what to expect can help you make an informed decision about the type of couples counseling you connect with the most. This is why the initial phone call is so important. Always schedule an initial consultation with a prospective couples counselor. Ask them questions about the way they work and their experience. It will provide you with the needed information to choose the right counselor for you and your partner. Read “5 Essential Questions to Ask a Couples Counselor in an Initial Phone Call.”
What to Expect in Gottman Method Couples Therapy
The Gottman Method of Couples Therapy has three main phases: Assessment, Active Therapy, Termination and Maintenance. This comprehensive approach is designed to improve relationship health by utilizing structured conversations.
Assessment in Gottman Method Couples Therapy
The assessment is the initial phase of the Gottman Couples Therapy. Its goal is to gather important information about the existing challenges, the history of your relationship, and of your family of origin.
Your therapist will use this information to plan treatment and help you unlock barriers to change. During this phase, you will be reflecting on your story, identifying patterns and gaining insight into your individual contributions to problems. The assessment takes 4-5 sessions.
Some Gottman Therapists also ask couples to complete an online assessment “The Relationship Checkup” on the Gottman website, which serves as a tool to understand and enhance the health of the relationship.
For a more detailed explanation of the assessment phase, read “What to Expect During the Assessment Phase in Gottman Couples Therapy.”
First Assessment Session:
In Gottman Couples Therapy, the first session focuses on the following aspects of your relationship:
Discuss specific issues in the relationship.
Set tentative individual goals.
Explore the history of the relationship and emphasize events that contributed to the emotional disconnection between partners.
Observe a conflict conversation.
Complete an online assessment through the Gottman Institute.
Two Individual Sessions
In your individual sessions, a Gottman Couples Therapist will discuss several aspects of your life:
Your family of origin.
The history of your relationships.
Your experience in individual counseling, including any exposure to Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) and its relevance in understanding and addressing emotional and attachment issues in previous couples counseling.
The History of your mental health.
Screening questions.
Feedback Session
Your Gottman Couples Therapist will provide you with some feedback based on their observations in sessions and the results of the online assessment.
Explain the Sound Relationship House theory, the foundation of the Gottman Method, as a metaphorical structure that guides the feedback and treatment planning in Gottman Couples Therapy. This foundational model integrates research-based interventions and goals to improve relationships, emphasizing the nine elements of a healthy relationship.
Highlight the strengths and challenges in your relationship.
Set goals for the relationship.
Plan for treatment.
Active Therapy: Applying the Sound Relationship House Theory
During the assessment, you set goals for your relationship and your Gottman Therapist explained to you how you would work together.
The Gottman Method is based on a set of structured conversations. Each structured conversation has a goal (providing support, managing conflict, expressing needs, compromising, etc…). The goal of these conversations is to increase positive interactions, better manage conflict, and replace negative conflict patterns with healthier ones, thereby guiding partners to more connection, understanding, and compromise. These conversations exist as guides and you will be provided with the templates to continue working on your relationship between sessions.
Initially, your Gottman Couples Therapist will set up these conversations in sessions. Depending on your agenda, your therapist will choose a conversation that will target specific challenges in your relationship. They will describe the step-by-step process, the goal of a specific conversation, and how it will help you better understand each other, make decisions, and feel more connected. Overtime, you will internalize the structure of these conversations and will be able to proceed without the guide.
Structured conversations bring containment and build self-control. It will help you regulate your emotions, stay on track with the topic discussed, be more intentional about your message, and focus on your partner’s perspective.
You will be asked to talk directly to your partner. In Gottman Couples Therapy, the emphasis is on guiding couples to better communicate with each other from the very start. Occasionally, when partners are flooded or have a difficult time empathizing with their partner, your therapist will ask you to talk to them instead. They will help you regulate strong emotions and explore sources of defensiveness and lack of compassion.
While your Gottman Couples Therapist engages you in these conversations, they observe and intervene on several levels. They track the dynamic between you and your partner, your emotions, any unhelpful communication styles, any triggers, and the presence or absence of empathy. They will interrupt and help you make necessary shifts to improve understanding, connection, and compromise.
Your Gottman Therapist has your goals in mind and plans for each session. Your Gottman Therapist will have an agenda for your sessions. They will continue intervening to build awareness and insight, explore your contributions and differences, improve communication and compromise, build safety to allow more vulnerability and emotional closeness.
You will also bring an agenda to sessions. While your Gottman Therapist has a plan, you will be experiencing specific situations, engaging in conflict conversations, reacting to certain events in the relationship between sessions. Your Gottman Therapist will use current experiences to help you process, explore, and shift from disconnection to understanding and change.
Within this specific structure and in addition to improving communication, your Gottman Therapist will attend to your attachment styles and challenges, explore your internal worlds and thinking patterns. They will guide you to make connections between triggers and your stories. You and your partner will be able to regulate the impact of triggers on the relationship. Triggers are very often blindspots for people. Uncovering the stories behind the triggers is a very powerful moment for partners. It builds compassion and understanding. It urges partners to make sense of their partner’s and their own feelings. You will start making adjustments and feel safer, and more connected.
Active Therapy takes approximately 3 to 6 months of weekly sessions. Couples start feeling more in control and less distressed after a few sessions. After 3-6 months, most couples transition to a bi-weekly and then monthly schedule. In some cases when there is chronic mental health challenges, substance use with frequent relapses, affairs that have not been disclosed, and other barriers, therapy might get stuck or take longer for partners to see benefits.
At the end of Gottman Couples Therapy, you will focus on prevention. You will leave with a plan to identify the first signs of disconnection. You will be also communicating more productively, fighting more respectfully, and compromising more effectively.
Termination and Maintenance for Sustained Relationship Health
How does Gottman Couples Therapy end? In my experience, after a few months, couples report feeling more connected, more understanding and communicating better. These couples usually communicate their readiness to end treatment. Before the last session, your Gottman Couples Therapist might ask you to complete another assessment to evaluate changes and progress. You will meet with your therapist and discuss all the changes you were able to make to transform your relationship.
What is a maintenance phase? The Gottman Method recommends couples transition from weekly to bi-weekly to monthly and then yearly schedules for maintenance. Maintenance means having a check-in once a year with your Gottman Therapist to evaluate the state of your relationship, identify possible signs of conflict and disconnection, get back on track, and then move on with your life. It’s a system of accountability that some couples rely on to keep their relationship healthy.
Additionally, couples are encouraged to utilize the Gottman Referral Network for ongoing support after therapy concludes, ensuring they have access to Gottman-trained therapists who can help maintain the health of their relationship over time.
Conclusion
As you can see, a lot is happening in Gottman Couples Therapy. You can expect your Gottman Couples Therapist to be involved in therapy. They will guide you and lead counseling with your goals in mind. If you and your partner need concrete steps to improve your relationship, the Gottman Method might be the right fit for you and your partner.
Questions about the Gottman Method or couples counseling in general? Email me at tmatyukhin@tmatmcs.com
