5 Situations When Couples Counseling Isn't Recommended
Occasionally, couples counseling is not recommended. Secrecy, instability, and lack of safety prevent couples from being open and vulnerable in sessions. This creates a counter-productive therapy environment.
A few key things lead to success in couples counseling. These include trust, commitment, safety, transparency, and predictability. Let’s take a look at what they mean:
Trust and Commitment: Couples can embark on a journey of self-discovery and transformation, enhancing their relationship, when a certain level of trust and commitment is established. Often, trust, commitment, and safety are areas of concern for couples. Partners may find it challenging to rely on each other, but they understand the factors that have eroded trust and commitment. Couples counseling serves as a catalyst for resolving these issues, paving the way for a stronger, healthier relationship.
Vulnerability and safety: In the realm of couples counseling, partners delve into a deeply personal and vulnerable experience. This vulnerability fosters emotional intimacy and enables partners to accept influence from each other. However, it's crucial for partners to feel a sense of safety and security in these sessions, knowing that their feelings and concerns are respected and protected.
Safety requires transparency, predictability, and consistency. This helps partners take an active part in couples counseling with genuineness. Their words are consistent with their actions. And their behavior is predictable.
So, for couples counseling to work and benefit couples, there has to be a certain level of trust, commitment, and safety. Unfortunately, these crucial components are deeply damaged in the situations described below.
5 Situations When Couples Counseling is Not Recommended
Let’s look at the five situations when couples counseling is not recommended and discuss how they impact relationships and couples counseling. Sometimes, it could be unclear to the counselor whether one or many of these scenarios are in the relationship. However, after a few sessions, it becomes evident that “something is off,” and couples counseling gets stuck in the same place.
This is why screening questions are common in the initial phone consultation. The more honest you are with your couple’s counselor, the better their guidance will be. A couples counselor who is in the dark can only do so much.
If your relationship presents some of these difficulties, remember, you're not alone. There are other options to get you, your partner and your relationship help. At the end of this article, you will find a list of resources to provide you with the appropriate support you need.
#1: An Ongoing Affair and the Partner Does not Want to End it
Affairs by themselves are not a deal breaker for couples counseling. In reality, half of the couples I see start couples counseling during the aftermath of an affair. Affairs are a common reason for seeking couples counseling. When the affair is acknowledged, the affair relationship is ended, and commitment to the current relationship is expressed, couples embark on their journey of healing. Step by step, they rebuild their foundation, trust, and transparency.
However, sometimes the affair partner wants to remain in the marriage and continue the affair. This presents particular challenges in couples counseling. Occasionally, the affair is unknown to the spouse and the counselor. This secrecy keeps the relationship from improving.
Affair Partner Does Not Want to End the Affair
The affair partner is not willing to give up on their affair. They go with couples counseling to calm the waters with their spouse but don’t let go of their “other” relationship.
Affair Partner Has an Affair Unknown to Spouse and the Couple Counselor
The affair partner has a secret life unknown to their spouse and the couple’s counselor. They start couples counseling while deceiving both the spouse and their therapist.
Why Couples Counseling is Not Recommended
In my practice, I have encountered both scenarios. What I observed was a lot of pain in the betrayed spouse. In the situation when the affair is in the open, the hurt spouse desperately tries to mend the relationship and meet all their partner’s needs. Still, the affair partner remains detached and continues to blame their spouse for the affair and their unhappiness.
The blame helps the affair partner justify their infidelity and not take responsibility for their decisions. The affair partner has built a wall of secrets to accommodate the affair. Transparency is impossible. What is real and what is not constantly shifts. Trust becomes unrealistic for the betrayed spouse, and commitment is inexistent in the affair partner.
In the second scenario, where the affair is still secret, the hurt partner senses it and feels it because their gut feeling is screaming, “Something is wrong!” This creates a dreadful feeling for the betrayed spouse. They cannot rely on their partner, they do not feel safe, and their vulnerability is rejected due to the affair partner’s secret agenda or ongoing affair. Words don’t match behaviors. Words contradict the hurt partner’s gut feeling that something is off. This experience brings more pain to the betrayed spouse. They feel “like they are going crazy” and can’t quite describe it. Unfortunately, couples counseling in this scenario is highly destructive and dysregulating for the betrayed spouse.
I usually meet with partners individually to explore the possibility of an affair. In rare occasions, the affair partner comes forward with their infidelity during the individual time with me. If the affair was not disclosed, they then have a choice to either disclose the affair to their partner, end that relationship, and continue couples counseling or not disclose the affair and end couples counseling.
#2: Active Addiction in One or Both Partners
Any substance or behavioral addiction affects relationships on many levels. Addictive thinking, intoxication, lies, secrets, and emotional instability dig holes and create ruptures in trust and commitment. It also threatens emotional safety.
At the same time, some partners use substances and disclose their desire to quit or manage better:
They recognize the effect of their addiction on the relationship and express deep regrets about the consequences of their addiction on their loved ones. These couples are good candidates for couples counseling.
Partners in recovery with occasional relapses are also appropriate for couples counseling. Addiction is not a straightforward process. Ups and downs happen. As long as partners are on the same page and work towards common goals, these couples can achieve their desired connection and a healthier functioning in their marriage.
Active and ongoing substance abuse can be compared to affairs. There is planning involved, hiding the behaviors and accommodating the use. The powerful excitement while thinking, planning, and anticipating the use all build a wall between the using partner and their spouse.
The using partner distances themselves from their responsibilities and their relationships in general. The satisfaction from the use becomes a priority over everything else. Here are common behaviors in active addiction:
Irritability when plans change (the spouse is not going to bed at the regular time which delays the secret use),
Withdrawal, exhaustion, and emotional dysregulation are often confusing to others (especially if the extent of the use is not disclosed).
There is a lack of motivation to engage in family and partner activities (especially if the plans get in the way of the use).
Disappearances for long hours with explanations that don’t make sense.
Why Couples Counseling is Not Recommended
In couples counseling, the using partner presents somewhat similarly to an affair partner. They protect their substance use at all costs. They tend to blame their partner for their unhappiness and justify their addiction. Their sense of reality is distorted and threatens the emotional safety of their partner. Trust is usually damaged due to the using partner’s forgetfulness, disengagement from responsibilities, and inability to acknowledge a problematic use and its consequences. The non-using spouse usually takes over the family responsibilities and often feels frustrated, overwhelmed, and hopeless.
In couples counseling, the non-using partner’s feelings are met with defensiveness and blame. And unless the using partner decides to quit their addiction, they usually remain unmoved by their partner’s cries for help.
When the using partner does not want to quit their addiction, their lack of empathy, lack of insight and ownership, and lack of transparency make couples counseling very difficult and stuck. The commitment is to the addiction, not the spouse. Trust is frail. Vulnerability is impossible because of the using partner’s defensiveness, behavior volatility, and unpredictability.
#3: Unmanaged Mental Health Conditions in One or Both Partners
The majority of couples who start couples counseling have at least one partner with a diagnosed mental health condition. Often, the diagnosed partner is involved in individual counseling, attends some mental health programs, and has a history of seeing mental health professionals throughout their life. They might also have a psychiatrist and be on medication.
However, when the mental health condition is present but not managed, it brings specific challenges to the process of couples counseling.
In a nutshell, any mental health condition affects people’s
Perception: they might be out of touch with reality or exaggerate certain aspects of it,
Thoughts: the more negative our thoughts are, the more disconnected from reality our perception is,
Emotion regulation: the more negative people’s thoughts are, the more distorted their perception is; emotions become dysregulated,
Behaviors: when people feel strong emotions, they tend to cope in impulsive and unhealthy ways.
Empathy: when people feel intense pain, they tend to focus on that pain and dismiss their partner’s vulnerability and needs.
When mental health conditions are managed, people have the skills and resources to regulate the effects of their condition on their perceptions, thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. They connect with others and maintain healthy relationships.
When mental health conditions are not managed, people’s reality is far more intense, painful, and out of control. The emotional instability and volatility, behavioral impulsiveness and aggression, extreme thoughts, and negative assumptions are often frustrating for the partner. The partner feels hopeless, powerless, and exhausted by the unpredictable symptoms. The partner also can’t make sense of the intensity of their loved one’s reactions.
Why Couples Counseling is Not Recommended
A partner with an unmanaged mental health condition perceives their spouse and their relationship through an extreme lens. The difference in perception is indeed the main reason for miscommunication. We all navigate the world and our relationships while constantly distorting reality. At the same time, people maintain a certain level of flexibility and can challenge their biases. This flexibility allows partners to be empathetic and vulnerable. They can accept each other’s influence and compromise.
In couples counseling, partners often explore each other’s perspectives to build empathy and understanding. An unmanaged mental health condition presents particular challenges for both partners. One has dark-filtered sunglasses, and the other has none. Managing a mental health condition helps people gradually change their sunglasses' filters to let in some color for a more realistic view of things. This is what individual counseling and medication do.
Sharing perspectives leads to expressing needs and making changes to improve the relationship. The extreme nature of the needs on one side and the difficulty in changing on the other make compromises impossible. Therapy becomes lopsided. The partner with the mental health condition becomes the focus of counseling. They might need more time to regulate their emotions and challenge the extreme nature of their thoughts. They might overthink after sessions and need to process their distress. They might feel worse most of the time and struggle with what transpires during sessions.
Predictability, consistency, and emotional safety become challenging. Mental health symptoms are unpredictable. They are also expressed in intense and impulsive ways due to the pain they trigger for the person. Both partners either shut down or explode to regulate their distress. Survival is triggered on both sides.
We can only imagine how difficult it is when both partners have mental health conditions that are not managed. They are often in a highly volatile relationship where stabilization is the number one priority before engaging in couples counseling.
When the mental health condition is managed, partners have more emotional and psychological resources to tolerate conflict, regulate their emotions, and be more vulnerable with each other. Couples counseling can help partners support each other, understand each other’s experiences, build hope about the future, and start taking steps toward a healthier relationship.
#4: Domestic Violence
Domestic violence puts the threatened partner in emotional agony. Physical violence maintains constant dread and fear in the victim. Victims of domestic violence are in survival mode and live in a fog of anxiety, anticipating the next blow.
The truth is some couples experience physical violence throughout their relationship. They describe it as a mistake, take responsibility for the violence, and regret it. They work hard to reestablish safety and demonstrate their commitment to not using violence in the relationship. These couples are different from the ones described above. They start couples counseling following the incident, learn better conflict and stress management skills, and recommit to each other with a new foundation.
Couples who are in chronically abusive relationships navigate conflict with rigid rules. Threats, manipulation, intimidation, physical violence, emotional abuse, and controlling behaviors describe the reality of the victims’ lives.
Why Couples Counseling is Not Recommended
Domestic violence sets the stage for an unbalanced power in the relationship. The aggressor often limits the freedom of speech, rejects any influence, uses violence and threats to control their partner, and maintains fear in their partner.
Couples counseling aims to create a safe space and encourage vulnerability in both partners. On one hand, the victim will feel conflicted, scared of repercussions, and will be put in higher danger if prompted to share her feelings. On the other hand, the aggressor will continue to manipulate, threaten, and control.
If safety cannot be established, couples counseling will not benefit partners and might create more problems for the victim.
Seek individual help if you are a victim of domestic violence.
#5: Ambivalence about the Marriage in One or Both Partners
When one partner has a foot out the door, their commitment to the relationship is wavering. Ambivalence brings into couples counseling a constantly changing agenda. This creates a barrier to setting shared goals and building motivation to change. The leaning-out partner (the partner who considers divorce) is trying to decide whether to stay in the relationship or leave.
In couples counseling, the focus of change is the relationship. When partners commit to working on their relationship, they acknowledge their contributions to problems. Each partner takes steps to reflect on the impact of their actions on the relationship and shifts from unhelpful behaviors to more productive ones.
When ambivalence is present, partners have different agendas and goals. The leaning-in partner wants to save the marriage, and the leaning-out partner, torn by internal conflict, wants to end it. The leaning-in partner works hard to find reasons to save the marriage, and the leaning-out partner, struggling with their decision, works hard to find reasons to leave.
Why Couples Counseling is Not Recommended
The ambivalent partner often sees the marriage as failing and hopeless. They express their unhappiness with the way the relationship turned out. The leaning-out partner tends to blame the spouse for the problems. They also feel justified in their disappointment and reject any responsibility for the issues.
In that context, the leaning-in partner, despite their own hurt, desperately tries to fix things. They are also burdened with feelings of resentment. The leaning-in partner sees things differently and is deeply hurt by the assigned blame for the marital demise.
The stability of the relationship is threatened. The future is uncertain and unpredictable. The leaning-in partner struggles to feel safe. Their partner’s commitment is fragile. Anxiety makes the leaning-in partner feel cautious and on edge. Vulnerability and change are impossible.
Consider discernment counseling if you or your partner feel ambivalent about your relationship. Discernment counseling focuses on resolving the ambivalence before engaging in any relationship work.
Conclusion
As we can see, couples counseling requires two committed individuals who see their relationship as a life-long journey. When people are committed to each other, they provide the necessary components for a successful couples counseling experience. Their goals are aligned, and their focus is on the well-being of their marriage.
Keep in mind that the situations described above play a destructive role in marriages and maintain partners in a frozen state of confusion, anxiety, and hopelessness. Affairs are hurtful and question the reality of the betrayed partner in monogamous relationships. Unmanaged substance abuse progressively erodes connection, trust, and intimacy. Unmanaged mental health creates chaos, pain, and exhaustion. Physical violence is destructive to the abused partners’ mental health, physical safety, and physical health. Ambivalence confuses and destabilizes the future of the relationship.
In all these scenarios, partners are in survival mode and have different agendas. Unfortunately, couples counseling will only reenact the dynamic of the relationship.
If you find yourself in one of these scenarios, please look at the following general list of resources as a starting point to seek help.
Affairs: Speak with an individual counselor (PsychologyToday.com) or consider discernment counseling (DiscernmentCounseling.com).
Substance Abuse and Mental Health: Seek help to care for your mental health and manage the addiction (sahmsa.gov)
Domestic Violence: Seek individual help and reach out to Domestic Violence Organizations (the hotline.org)
Ambivalence: Consider discernment counseling (discernmentcounseling.com)
Do you have any questions about couples counseling or the Gottman Method? Email me at tmatyukhin@tmatmcs.com
