7 Worries Women Have About Starting Couples Counseling
Introduction
Couples counseling has become a cornerstone of relational health. Nowadays, committed partners acknowledge their challenges and no longer hesitate to seek couples counseling to repair their most intimate relationships.
More often than not, women drive the decision to start couples counseling. Despite their determination, women undergo this new experience with worry and concern.
It's important to note that many women share similar worries about couples counseling, particularly about the outcome and their role in marital problems. This article will delve into seven common concerns and provide strategies for navigating challenging feelings.
#1 - Women Worry Their Relationship Will Never Get Better
Some women start couples counseling feeling exhausted, lost, and powerless. They saw it coming—all of it—the fights, the loneliness, the hurt. They tried to fix it. They screamed, cried, shut down, blamed, stayed calm, and cared, but nothing worked. Their partner’s lack of responsiveness and follow-through, broken promises and hurtful words, anger, and silence have become a norm in their relationship. They start considering separation or divorce. Ambivalence about the future sets in.
Amidst all these feelings and doubts about the future, women dread giving up on their relationships. They seek couples counseling to get a fresh start and a new direction, hoping it brings the marriage to a healthy and fulfilling place. In couples counseling, women’s doubts about the future might appear in their initial cautiousness and pessimism about directives and shifts recommended during sessions. Women often think they exhausted all possible solutions for their relationship problems and feel conflicted about the guidance.
This cautiousness usually fades within a few sessions. Women are quick to see new opportunities for growth and change in themselves. Initially conflicted, they feel reassured by their partner’s genuine openness and insight. Couples counseling often reveals partners’ blindspots and opens the door to a more collaborative and caring relationship.
In extreme situations, relationships do not improve with or without couples counseling. Read “5 situations when couples counseling is not recommended and why.” This article describes the barriers to change and the need for a different approach to finding happiness together or separately.
#2 - Women Worry Their Partner Will Never Change
When women start couples counseling, their marriage has been on their minds for years. They have been thinking, reflecting, questioning, problem-solving, fixing, and wondering about the causes and reasons for their unhappiness. They have scrutinized their partner’s actions, mood, and words. They see how their partner hurts, fails, and dismisses them. Their partner’s anger, stonewalling, and passive-aggressive attitude are causing women sorrow and disappointment. Women try expressing their feelings and asking for changes, silence their needs, and compromise to please, but their partner seems unappreciative of their efforts, and resentment starts building up.
In couples counseling, women express dissatisfaction with the relationship while focusing on all the wrong things their partner does. They sincerely believe that the relationship would be better if their partner could change. There is truth to that. Their observations and feelings are valid. Their partner most likely acts in a way that negatively affects the relationship. At the same time, women’s perspective is one-sided. Women also have blind spots and fail to see their contribution to the escalation of conflict, emotional disengagement, and loneliness. Because both partners view the relationship through their subjective lens, understanding and compromise become difficult, especially in tough transitions and crises.
In couples counseling, women gain tremendous insight into their misconceptions, assumptions, and triggers that interfere with connection, respect, and the easy flow of communication. These are compelling moments where they discover where change truly is and how much power they have in the relationship. When women explore their steps in the relational dance, they build empathy and understanding for their partner and see hope in the future of their relationship. They start viewing their loved one as a human being filled with similar worries, conflicts, and challenges. They shift from focusing on changing their partner to collaborating and building a relationship where feelings and needs are valid.
#3 - Women Worry Their Partner Will Blame Them
Women, being highly attuned to their relationships, are quick to notice any changes in mood, signs of disconnection, or escalating conflict. They make efforts to address these issues as they arise. However, when their efforts prove ineffective, they may feel guilty and blame themselves for the problems.
In couples counseling, women might feel blamed when hearing their partner’s feedback, needs expression, and feelings. The more critical and negative the partner’s tone and style, the higher the likelihood of women getting defensive, leading to escalating conflict.
Couples counseling focuses on the interactions between partners and redirects partners’ steps toward a healthier relationship dynamic. A Gottman Couples Therapist will interrupt an unhelpful dynamic, point out aspects of communication needing improvement, model the shift, and guide you to engage in a new way of interacting and processing thoughts and feelings. A Gottman Couples Counselor is not influenced by the blame assigned to one of the partners. In cases of betrayal or abuse, the therapist helps partners heal, take responsibility for hurtful behavior, and rebuild trust and safety in the relationship.
#4 - Women Worry About Partner’s Commitment
Women worry about their partner’s commitment to couples counseling. Due to their persistent efforts at pleasing and making their partner happy, women expect appreciation and love in return. When their expectations are unmet, they start questioning their lovability and ability to maintain a fulfilling relationship for themselves and their significant other. They start doubting their partner’s commitment to the relationship.
When women bring up couples counseling as a solution to improving their relationships, they often face initial dismissiveness, minimization, or blame. When their partners agree, women question their genuine intent to take responsibility and change. In couples counseling, women are sensitive to their partner’s failed attempts to improve things. They see mistakes and old habits as proof of a lack of commitment.
Couples counseling helps women take control of their relationships and share the responsibility of marital satisfaction with their partners. It also releases some of the tension in the relationship and fairly distributes responsibility for maintaining harmony. A trained couples counselor will screen for a lack of commitment. Discernment counseling might be recommended if ambivalence about the relationship exists. Elements of discernment counseling might be present if your therapist observes detachment or a lack of compassion and understanding. Exploring and uncovering past wounds might unlock some of the barriers to commitment. When observed, a trained couples counselor will address the lack of commitment in appropriate ways to help both partners connect and move forward.
#5 - Women Worry About Emotional Vulnerability
There are many reasons why women worry about emotional vulnerability in couples counseling. When women start couples counseling, they fear their partner will continue to minimize and reject their concerns and feelings. Women worry that they might get overwhelmed with the pain they have been carrying and get worse during counseling. Women worry about their couple's counselor invalidating their feelings as well. Being emotional is very often perceived as weak, manipulative, crazy, out of control, exaggerated, and simply unnecessary. Women might get dismissed, silenced, put down, and rejected when expressing emotions in the relationship. In this context, women learn to shut their feelings down. Couples counseling becomes a necessary outlet for the pain, and women worry they might not be able to handle it.
Couples counseling is a safe place for partners to express their hurts and challenges and start repairing their relationship. A couples counselor must maintain emotional safety and regulate any flooding or emotional dysregulation during sessions. A Gottman Couples Therapist guides partners to engage in self-soothing at the first signs of overwhelm. A Gottman Couples Therapist also helps the listening partner express empathy and understanding to allow space for their partner’s emotions. A trained couples therapist will stop encouraging emotional expression if the listening partner shows signs of persistent rejection. They will focus on the listening partner and explore their difficulty empathizing and regulating themselves. The partner who struggles with validating their partner’s feelings has triggers, a story, and an attitude toward emotions. Revealing these unlocks the potential for a deeper connection and care for each other’s feelings.
Emotions are an inherent part of the couples counseling process. Your Gottman Couples Therapist will notice when you or your partner get flooded when there is anxiety about sharing emotions, or when one of the partners engages in behaviors that lead to emotional dysregulation. Couples counseling requires a certain level of emotional containment. Your Gottman Couples Therapist will be tuned in with you and your partner. They will address barriers to emotional safety in sessions.
In the following situations, couples counseling might not be appropriate: acute trauma symptoms, unmanaged mental health conditions, and abusive relationships. Read “5 Situations When Couples Counseling is Not Recommended.”
#6 - Women Worry About Potential Outcomes of Couples Counseling
Women consider couples counseling the ultimate help for their relationship issues. However, there is a certain amount of anxiety about the potential outcomes of couples counseling.
They worry about whether the needed changes are achievable and whether their partner or they can commit to making new shifts in their relationship.
They worry about doing more, compromising more, and dismissing their needs more.
They worry about couples counseling not working for them. This concern is particularly pronounced for couples who have had bad experiences with couples counseling.
They worry their couple’s counselor will confirm their deepest fear that the only option is divorce.
They worry about discovering that their partner wants to leave, that they are having an affair, or that they do not love them anymore.
Change always brings uncertainty and effort. When starting couples counseling, women don’t always know what to expect and what will be asked of them to get the relationship back to health. When considering the potential outcomes of couples counseling, it is crucial to understand that change's positive and negative sides often are intertwined. Let me address the list of worries about the outcomes one by one.
All people can relate to each other in healthy ways, but they don’t always have the proper relationship models or support systems. Couples counseling will guide you in relating to each other differently. In my experience, most couples express relief about the changes' simplicity and feasibility. In Gottman Couples Therapy, changes are concrete and planned out.
Both you and your partner will be responsible for changing the relationship. Changes will target aspects of your relationship dance that are counter-productive and disconnecting. You will be guided to do things differently, not more.
It is understandable that when you get unhelpful therapy, you get cautious about reaching out again. Couples counseling works. However, certain conditions are required for it to be effective. There are certain situations when couples counseling is not recommended. If you are in one of those situations, consider seeking other help for your relationship and yourself. Read “5 Situations When Couples Counseling is Not Recommended. Your couples therapist also needs to be knowledgeable and trained in a framework. Read “5 Essential Questions to Ask a Couples Therapist on an Initial Phone Call.” Do not give up if the help you get is not a good fit for your relationship needs. There are plenty of specialized couples counselors, and you will find them. Check the list of resources below to see a trained counselor.
Couples counselors are in the business of helping relationships thrive. In rare situations, one or both partners might have an apparent ambivalence about the marriage, and your couples counselor might recommend discernment counseling. I usually provide feedback about existing ambivalence and the need for progress. Most of the time, they are related. If you consider couples counseling, I assume you are committed to the relationship and will work with you to help you achieve your goals. Many couples have shared their previous experience with couples counseling where they were suggested divorce. They found it unhelpful. Unless you bring it up to me, I would not recommend divorce, but I will make recommendations if I am not able to help your relationship get better.
Affairs, betrayals, and ambivalence are common in couples counseling. You will most likely be aware of these things when you start counseling. A hidden agenda rarely gets revealed during couples counseling. It does happen, and it is best when it happens while you get help. Some couples have experienced couples counseling with no progress, only to realize later that their partner was unfaithful, secretly relapsed, or was planning a divorce. This is always devastating but rare and best revealed while in couples counseling.
#7 - Women Worry about the Effectiveness of Couples Counseling
Women start couples counseling with certain expectations about how and when things will change. They are often pressured to see immediate results and are disappointed when the relationship slides back into old habits. The pressure comes from years of frustration and failed attempts to solve issues in the relationship. Women want to gain control and feel happy. They want their partner to be loving and caring again. Their loneliness might have become too overwhelming. So they desperately want to see changes quickly. They watch their partner and explain their failures as a lack of commitment or inability to change.
To set realistic expectations, it is crucial to understand what change and progress mean in couples counseling. It is indeed true that you will be improving your relationship through some communication strategies. Even though it sounds simple, your communication is only a conduit for a better relationship. So much more will take place while you engage in couples counseling. I will refer to Gottman Couples Therapy here. You will be working on your attachment, perceptions, patterns, dynamics, emotion regulation, and triggers (to name just a few). You will work on aligning your goals, values, and meanings. Your relationship is distressed for complex reasons; changing it will take some time. Patterns are hard-wired and need time to change. Emotions are embedded in your survival system and need a lot of consistent safety to be more regulated. With all that, you can expect changes early during the sessions. You will gain awareness and then see opportunities for change between sessions. Later, you will start taking new steps and implementing strategies from counseling. There is often a back-and-forth in that change process. Relationships improve with ups and downs. In Gottman Therapy, most couples stay every week for 3-6 months and then move forward with a less frequent schedule. Some couples prefer to meet bi-weekly to have more time to incorporate their new insights into the relationship.
It is crucial to set realistic goals and expectations from the start. In Gottman Therapy, you will set concrete short-term and long-term goals. A Gottman Couples Therapist will help you set specific and achievable goals for your relationship. They will also assess progress and adjust the goals as you change and encounter new dilemmas or challenges. If you have priorities and want to attend to specific issues, always share this with your couples therapist. When sessions do not address your concerns, communicate this with your couples therapist.
Conclusion
Women’s worries are valid and often based on their unsuccessful efforts to fix relationship problems. From concerns about the process to worries about the ultimate benefits of couples counseling, women are still the driving force for couples counseling. Despite all these worries, women hope for a better relationship and seek help when they feel lost.
Couples counseling provides women with relief and opportunities to improve their relationships and have a marriage based on respect, closeness, and safety. Relationships are complex to change, but couples counseling provides women with perspective and hope.
If you delay couples counseling due to these worries, do not hesitate to express these concerns on an initial phone call. A trained couples counselor knows where you are coming from and will reassure you and your partner about the process.
Additional Resources
Helpful Directories to find trained couples counselors:
gottmanreferralnetwork.com
iceeft.com
5 Essential Questions to Ask a Couples Therapist on an Initial Phone Call
Do you have any questions about couples counseling or the Gottman Method? Please email me at tmatyukhin@tmatmcs.com
